This morning I was driving around my hometown trying to find a Target that clearly had taken lessons in stealth and hiding from the town of Brigadoon when suddenly I stumbled across a billboard that announced that the world was going to end on May 21, 2011. I gotta say, it's a little startling to come across an announcement about the end of the world sandwiched between other billboards advertising "Rango" or the latest designer jeans, but ok.
Apparently a Christian radio station has taken upon itself the burden of informing the people of the world that their days are numbered. Well, presumably the days of their existence are numbered but infinite, because on May 21st they're gonna join the ranks of eternity. Therefore they're begging the people of the world to cower before God and ask for forgiveness, because eternity is a looooong time to be spending anywhere, let alone Hell. Then again, I'm not so sure an eternity in Heaven would be all that great either, because I get bored ANYWHERE, even Disneyland or the White House or a Bond villain's secret lair in a volcano, after about ten minutes. As a 10th grade/year 11 RE student in London once mused aloud...
"I think after like a year or two of eternity, I'd get like bored or whatevva."
A classmate offered the interesting argument that, once in Heaven, our perception of what was boring would change. I'm not entirely convinced though--I mean, I'm definitely hoping as much as the next person that there's a heaven and that I'm on the invite list, but I know ahead of time that I'm going to get bored there pretty quickly and beg to go spend a couple months in Hell for a change of scenery.
After doing some research on this radio station and its message of THE END IS NIGH (no one ever actually says that anymore though because they know no one will take it seriously), I felt that this pretty much sums up why I'm a terrible person. This Christian group believes that the world is going to end, and their response is to go around telling as many people as possible, putting up billboards and passing out leaflets, so that as many people as possible can be spared from Hell. Me on the other hand? If I honestly thought the world was going to end, I would spend my remaining time doing two things: 1) getting enormously fat and then 2) walking around naked. I mean, even with my limited restraint I'm still fat, but if I thought the world was going to end in a couple of months I would accomplish some serious weight gain. Because what the fuck is the point of saying no to a third slice of cake when you're not even going to make it to swimsuit season?
This is all based on the assumption of bodily resurrection. You might be saying, "Surely you mean this is based on the assumption that there is NO bodily resurrection." But no. If I'm going to Heaven, I'm taking my morbidly obese ass with me. "Why wait until Heaven then? If you honestly want to fill out muumuus, why not drink cases of Pepsi in one sitting and a dinner of Twinkies and a side of steak?" Because presumably Heaven doesn't have diabetes or heart disease. If it did, it wouldn't be Heaven. No, to me, Heaven is being a busty black woman without having to worry about relying on a scooter to get around Walmart because your knees are too weak to carry your fat ass. So damn it, before the world ends I'm going to experience the joys of being a big, busty black woman--minus the black part (unless I blew all my money on changing my race--well what else am I going to do with my savings account?). Damn it, I refuse to exit this world without first experiencing this joy.
I want to be these busty black women.
As for the walking around naked part of my plan for if the end should be nigh... I'm not entirely sure why I'd do that. It just seems like walking around completely naked and even fatter than usual would be a particularly satisfying end to a life lived covered up like a Haredi woman. And everyone I would walk by would say, "Eeew, put some goddamn pants on!" But I'd be like, "Fuck it, man, the world is ending."
My point in saying all of this is that even IF I still had time after gaining massive weight and walking around naked and singing about meteorological events involving males, I STILL would not spend my time telling other people that God is going to be judging our sorry mortal asses this May. Partly because I'd probably be spending that time cramming in as much Doctor Who viewing as possible (just in case Heaven doesn't allow that sort of thing--if Jesus is there I bet He gets pissed off at the Doctor for trying to be Him), but also because then real estate prices in Heaven would skyrocket and I'd be stuck in the celestial equivalent of a 5th floor walk up, with a lease that lasts for all of eternity.
Shit, that would suck. So fuck you, world! The world is NOT going to end on May 21st! What did you say? Oh, this? That's just my Hostess cupcakes stash. And, yes, I'm going to finish it.
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