Quick, Stéphanie, Consuela and Niamh, pee on the nearest man you can find--the Americans have arrived!

Any American woman who has spent any time abroad can tell you that foreign women are (in the case of the horsier European women, literally) chomping at the bit to pee on their men. And no, I'm not talking about the prevalence of some really fucked up porn in certain parts of Europe, but rather the significant percentage of foreign women who feel threatened by us American gals. Sure, it could be that they just don't like us, but I noticed that their coldness tends to significantly intensify when we're in the presence of a male, in the same way that my Australian cattle dog was a sweet old thing but used to get seriously heated when anyone else tried to get near HIS tree, the tree that he had lovingly coated in piss.

Let's get one thing straight: not once back home in America has another girl EVER treated me as a threat. And frankly I can see why they don't. My hair looks like shit, I have glasses (and, to top it off, they're never clean), I have a stomach the size of a medium-sized planet, and the homeless man who lives outside the Subway shop by the freeway has nicer clothing than I do. I can't recall a single time a stranger has ever tried to approach me or hit on me in the US.

Abroad, however, things are quite different, and whenever my Yankish roots become apparent (usually when I talk too loudly in fancy restaurants, try to communicate with foreigners by speaking SLOW AND LOUD ENGLISH, or just wear bright white sneakers), it's like someone beat me with a sexy stick. (Never thought I'd be able to say that about myself). I don't know if these men are enchanted by my American eternal cheeriness and pioneer spirit or if they're just desperate enough for a green card, but they seem to make a beeline for me and my fellow American girls, carelessly mowing down tons of sexy local girls on the way, and they are apparently oblivious to the fact that I'm fugly and could also stand to buy a better fitting bra.

So I guess that sort of answers my question about why foreign women get so territorial over their men. And I guess I shouldn't complain about the fact that my sex appeal is going to increase tenfold when I move to the UK, and instead use it as an opportunity to bag Prince Harry.