Why the Bible is like a second grader

I genuinely enjoy reading the Bible. I may be an offensive blasphemer and a believer in common sense religion (the basic tenet? "Don't be an asshole."), but I do try regularly to make a bit of time to read bits of the Bible. In fact, I wish Bible were a required subject in public schools--not because it's true (I mean, it may be...but that's a different argument for a different post), but just because it's a great read. All at once it's like a crime thriller, romance novel, and history book with elements of poetry and Judy Blume's "Superfudge" thrown in. And just for good measure parts of the good book read like a massive "Don't get drunk!" PSA. And if my fandom of the Bible makes me in any way even the tiniest bit like the nutjob haredim of Mea Shearim or like rural American Christians who quote Revelation like nerds quote Monty Python, then so be it.