Why the Bible is like a second grader

I genuinely enjoy reading the Bible. I may be an offensive blasphemer and a believer in common sense religion (the basic tenet? "Don't be an asshole."), but I do try regularly to make a bit of time to read bits of the Bible. In fact, I wish Bible were a required subject in public schools--not because it's true (I mean, it may be...but that's a different argument for a different post), but just because it's a great read. All at once it's like a crime thriller, romance novel, and history book with elements of poetry and Judy Blume's "Superfudge" thrown in. And just for good measure parts of the good book read like a massive "Don't get drunk!" PSA. And if my fandom of the Bible makes me in any way even the tiniest bit like the nutjob haredim of Mea Shearim or like rural American Christians who quote Revelation like nerds quote Monty Python, then so be it.



Part of what I like about the Bible is how much information is missing, just because I like getting pissed off. The Bible thinks you want to know how many cubits Noah's ark was but later on decides that you probably aren't interested in hearing anything about Moses' early life growing up as an adopted/foster child in Pharaoh's palace. Or the second chapter of Numbers is a particularly infuriating example of a "WHO THE FUCK CARES?!"-level of detail, while in Genesis we find kind of obvious bits of missing narrative, like how Adam and Eve's kids managed to have kids of their own when only sons are mentioned (and even if they did have daughters, that'd be intentional and knowing incest, something that would make even the Star Wars writers blush). Right at the moment when you're busting to ask a question like a small child busting for a pee, the Bible totally blanks out.

It should be what I hate most about the Bible, but for some reason I love it. What I love about the Bible is that reading it is like listening to a second grader talking about penguins, or whales, or cacti or whatever it is that 7 year old has decided is the best that week. They will talk in excruciating detail about how penguins raise their babies in something called a creche or about how there are X number of species of whales and they are all unique in ways that must be explained right now, but the second you ask them a simple question like, "Where can you find cactuses/cacti?" they freeze up and try to deflect the question by explaining that different cacti look different from each other. But it's normal when small children sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture and important facts, whereas when the Bible does it it's frustrating and friggin' hilarious. But also, in the same way, rather endearing.